Ask the Gigolokitty!

Dear GK:

What advice would you give a poor kitty (unjustly) arrested?

Sincerely,
Victimized Kitten

Dear VK:

Always deny, deny, deny! And remember to compliment the lovely lady detective on her fine knickers!!

In advisement,
Gigolokitty

Me Unbowed!

Assorted Irate Neighbors: What has that bloody cat done to my hamster/gerbil/poodle/miniature horse?!?

Gigolokitty: Me is MORE Than the Parts of Me Loins!!!

Evil!Troll Rooommate: I think the vet owes a refund for a botched "tummytuck".........

::Unfortunate!Mistress starts chugging gallon jug of ouzo::

Me Deprived!

Gigolokitty: Me Disgruntled! Me is Now Cheap Pin-up!!!

Evil!Troll Roommate: Don't worry, the vet did not leave much to see....

Unfortunate!Mistress: Ssssshhhhhhh! I told the dear dumpling it was a little tummy tuck!

Gigolokitty: Me...........Is A Snipped Kitty??? OH WOOOEEEE IS MEEEEE!!!!!!

Me Oppressed!

***TABLOID TABBIES EXCLUSIVE***
!!! Poor Gigolokitty Poses For Centerfold
to Pay Off Undeserved Debt!!!!

Gigolokitty: Me Exploited! Me Forced To Display Meself to Undiscerning Public!

Unfortunate!Mistress: They gave you good money....and you MUST repay poor Roommate's Ebay Fines.....

Gigolokitty: Me Not See Why Me Must Always Get Evil!Troll Bum Out of Trouble!!!

Evil!Troll Roommate: OK, I'll let the German Shepherd know you are available after all.

Peaceful Mondays!

Gigolokitty: Evil!Troll Trying to Evade Ebay Refund by Blaming Innocent Kitty…….Unfortunate!Mistress Shoveling Mountain of Dog Poop Left by Disgruntled German Shepherd......Me Sleep Tranquilly in Knowledge that Me Not Take Crap from Any Dog!!!!

Me Museful!

Gigolokitty: Beauteousness, Me Says, is a Gift to be Shared!

Me Consoled!

Gigolokitty: Me Loves Pookie! Only Pookie Never Lies!

Evil!TrollRoommate: That's because you haven't yet conned him out of his hard earned money!

Unfortunate!Mistress: Snookums, you have to return Tinkerbell's cash! Biting his ankle and calling him a lying lecher does not help........

Me Defrauded!

Me in Demand!

Unfortunate!Mistress: The poor boy has been awfully quiet....I hope he is not feeling unwanted....

Me Misled!

(Note from webmistress: please click on image for better view.)

Me Meditative!

Gigolokitty: Beauteousness, Me Says, It Is the Fruit of Contentment!

Me go to Plan B!

Message from commercial sponsor:

Is your super-fat kitty giving you a hernia??
Try the Skinny Kitty Diet Plan!!
The Gigolokitty exclaims "Me Life is Changed!"

Gigolokitty: Psst!! Anyone Want a Naughty Kitty?? Me Must be Spanked Gently and Fed Pâte!!! LOTS of Pâte!!

Evil!TrollRoommate: Nice try, you perverted feline! But no one is going to fall for that scam!!

TallDutchMaid: Awww, you poor cutie! Here, have some caviar and foie gras……

Unfortunate!Mistress: Hey!!! Why are we giving dialogue to his internet stalkers?

(Note from Webmistress: In exchange for much needed cleaning services for tiny, grimy NY apartment, a cameo by the deranged stalker was negotiated.)

Me Betrayed!

Gigolokitty: O Woe is MEEEE!!! Me Bitterly Tortured!! Me Painfully Enslaved!!!

Heavily bandaged Evil!TrollRoommate: Can it, you larcenous kitty! The only reason your super-fat butt is still here is because those endorsement fees from the Skinny Kitty Diet Inc. will cover my medical bills.

Unfortunate!Mistress: You will be an inspiration to cats everywhere honey! If you can lose weight, then anyone can….

Gigolokitty: Me Not Want to be Inspiration! Me Wants to be FED!!!

Me Winsome!

Gigolokitty: Mirror Mirror On the Wall! Who Is Most Beauteous One Of All!!! Me! Me! MEEEEEE!!!!

Unfortunate!Mistress: Quit that! What about Roommate? We'll get kicked out as soon as she comes around! You won't look good homeless, coconut...

Gigolokitty: Me Say Problem Would be Solved if You Clonked her Again!

Me Luminous!

Gigolokitty: Me is Refreshed and Radiant!

Evil!TrollRoommate: As soon as I get this dumpster crud off we are having a talk pudgyass....Hey! What happened to my expensive coconut shampoo?

Gigolokitty (humming to the tune of "I'm a little teapot"): Me's a Little Coconut, Fuzzy and Sweet/'Cept for Me Tail and Soft Furry Feet...

Evil!TrollRoomate: You thieving louse!! I'm going to MAKE YOU INTO A RUG!!!!!

::Unfortunate!Mistress saves kitty by clonking Evil!Troll with full bottle of conditioner::

Restful Mondays!

Gigolokitty: Unfortunate!Mistress out in Short Skirt to Get Back Liver from Drunken Weasel....Evil!TrollRoommate Hiding in Greasy Joe's Dumpster from Weasel Mafia.... Me Sleep Restfully In Knowledge Me Have Paid Me Debt to Society!

Me Contemplative!

Gigolokitty: Beauteousness, Me Say, Is Its Own Great Reward!

Me Capitalist!

Unfortunate!Mistress: Where did you find the cash to pay the damages?

Gigolokitty: Me Understand Marketplace! Me Sell Fresh Liver to Drunken Rich Weasel!

Evil!TrollRoomate: Listen smartbutt, its illegal to sell your own organs!

Gigolokitty: Me Not Sell Mine! Me Sell Yours!

::Unfortunate!Mistress faints into pile of empty whisky bottles::

Me Precious!

Gigolokitty: Me is Priceless in Me Precious Moments!

Unfortunate!Mistress: Dumpling, are you trying to scam those little old ladies at the home again?

Evil!TrollRoommate: Don’t mistake rhinestones for diamonds this time peanutbrain.

Gigolokitty: Me Way Ahead of You PrunyFace! Me Have Testing Kit!

Me Rejected!

!!!GOSSIPING KITTIES DAILY TITTLE TATTLE EXCLUSIVE!!!!

Day 4: Mr. Darcy Anti-defamation League vs. Gigolokitty
VERDICT!!!!

Me Censored!

!!! GOSSIPING KITTIES DAILY TITTLE-TATTLE EXCLUSIVE!!!
Day 3: Mr. Darcy Anti-defamation League vs. Gigolokitty

Court gasps in tilltilated horror at Exhibit Z:

THE BOUDOIR OF MR. DARCY!!!
Prosecution rests its case!!

Gigolokitty responds in anguished rebuttal: Me Has Been Cropped! Me Has Been....(Judge orders deletion of subsequent testimony from court records).

(Note from webmistress: We were forced to censor Exhibit Z and Gigolokitty’s testimony by order of the Court.)

Me Reflective!

Gigolokitty: Me hear Beauteouness, it Lies in the Eye of the Beholder. Me says, is Me Own Eyes Not Enough?

Me Persecuted!

!!! GOSSIPING KITTIES DAILY TITTLE-TATTLE EXCLUSIVE!!!

Day 1: Mr. Darcy Anti-defamation League vs. Gigolokitty

Gigolokitty appears in court!!! Declares innocence!!!

Prosecutor insists, “We will not let the fine reputation of Mr. Darcy be besmirched by an overweight, furry, depraved Lothario!”

“Me Not Depraved,” Gigolokitty retorts, “Me Truly Inspired!!!”

Me Aggrieved!

!!! GOSSIPING KITTIES DAILY TITTLE-TATTLE EXCLUSIVE!!!

The Mr. Darcy Anti-defamation League files suit against the infamous Gigolokitty for slandering the good name of the iconic literary hunk!!!! Is Gigolokitty headed for the slammer???

Evil!TrollRoommate: "....fat, crass, and immoral". Hey fatstuff, they got you down to a T!

Gigolokitty: Me not Fat!!! Me Well Endowed!

::Unfortunate!Mistress sobs in a corner and guzzles peppermint schnapps::

Mr Darcy Uncut!

(Note from webmistress: We were forced to crop the picture for reasons of public decency. For complete item, please refer to original publication)

MR. DARCY UNCENSORED!
©Alluring Kitty Literary Times

Evil!TrollRoommate: But he is buck nekkid! Jane Austen is rotating in her grave!

Unfortunate!Mistress: He did offer to wear a cravat......